Self Realisation

I want to dance and love, and dance again.

One day I hope you feel how I feel... you reminded me how painful it was to be rejected.

Tears flowing, like a broken sink. Heart sings a downer.

Perfect day to start a soul searching journey. Ameen.

Malay Women

As defined in street language "hip, cool" is always how I looked at other cultures. Them with varied and vivid colours; gives me chill all over my body. Like there's an electric wave inside me that summons proud. Wishful thinking, "oh how I wish I can be that..this...oh no, maybe that". However as I grew older, I realised that being Malay has its own ameliorate.

We are so rich in culture, food and tradition. But..often we forget where we come from. Malays as we call ourselves are not just descendants of the Golden Era Sultanate, we are also those who inhabits the entire Malay Peninsula. No matter how much I say about the goodness of my ethnicity,  I don't think anyone could ever truly know and understand why. Like I said, loving and caring for your own culture is very hard because its a full time job.

Nonetheless, what fascinates me the most about my race is the traditional ways of Malay Women in their baju kurung. "Sungguh Sopan". Rarely do you see girls today in baju kurung.

Real scenario: "eh, kau suka tak pakai baju kurung?""ala..leceh la, mana suka pakai benda memanaskan badan macam tu. Tak style la pakai baju kurung, Kuno habis..."

Sadly, little do people know that the strength of a Malay Woman lies in her "adab and sopan santun".  The way they carry themselves in the nicely fitted and colourful baju kurung, the way they speak to others with total humility and kindness, the way they make homes safe and comfortable for their family, the way they sacrifice themselves to make others happy and... Even from the way they gossip with neighbours to catch up on worldly news (they say...).

How I wished the wave of modernization didn't kill the life of traditions. I would love to see mothers dressed in kurung like mothers before them. I would want to be able to go everywhere with my baju kurung and sanggul feeling proud of myself for being a "perempuan melayu".

Needless to say, despite viewed as a weak gender - these Malay Women; them with all their kindness and "peradaban" is what makes them mighty and rich. Malay women has smiles that could cure a dying heart, a voice that speaks more angelic than a nightingale and hands like wands creating delicious food. Everyday I pray I would turn into a woman like that - kata mak, "sungguh bersopan santun anak mak". When that day comes, I will be more than proud.

To all Malay Women in the world, don't ever forget what you were made of. We are indeed sugar spice and everything nice...

Hasil Nukilan Sendiri - Nina Liyana.
Note: Collaged picture - myself.

Nek Mak

This is a story about my grandmother, Nek Mak. Written by my aunt, Nora Marzuki which I think is very precise. This story is part of the book "Memories of our Mothers", published by MPH this month (June, 2012). In time to be a gift for nek mak's birthday on the 15th (she would have been 94 this year if she was still alive). If you are reading this nek mak, I want to let you know that I love you and miss you everyday. xoxo

THE GIFT OF LAUGHTER By Nora Marzuki  

She was smiling peacefully. I kissed her, willing her to put her arms around me. She was cold. Less than two hours ago she was hugging me. Her last words, “Go now it is time forIsyak prayers. Bring my jubah for our trip home tomorrow. I love you.”  She was my roommate. Oh Mak….

This was our 13th Umrah.  All eight siblings were there. Mak was coughing a lot though. She was in a wheelchair as her knees hurt but her physician said she was fit to travel.

Our Umrah went beautifully. Mak was happy and shopped like there was no tomorrow. Aftersubuh, on the day we were leaving I noticed blood in the bathroom. She seemed unaware. We took her for check-up. The doctor said she must be hospitalised.

Mak was upset. “I want to go home!” she whispered. I stayed by Mak’s bedside as they examined and prodded her. What are u doing? Suddenly, everything went chaotic. “Get her out!” shouted one of the doctors. I was kicked out. They swarmed around Mak. Her heart had stopped.

Mak revived but was not allowed to travel, much to her chagrin. The family came and she looked more cheerful even with the oxygen mask on. I was the last to leave. “I want to go home,” she whispered tearfully. Tomorrow Mak I promise. “Go now it is time for Isyak prayers…Mak died after I left but we knew only two hours later as we were in the mosque doing thesembahyang hajat for her recovery.

  

Deja vu. Flashback 14 years earlier. Same hospital. My father hugging me. I was the last to leave, “Come back soon. Take care of your mother. I love you,” he said as I cried in his arms. Bapak had pneumonia and was hospitalised. Those were his last words. Mak was devastated. She cried with his shirt in her face when she thought we were not looking.

Arrangements were made for Mak’s last rites the next day. Her six daughters bathed and cleaned her. Mak had never been handled with such tender loving care. The prayer for the dead reverberated in Masjidil Haram. Mak was buried in the Mecca cemetery. My two brothers carried her lovingly to her grave. We left for Kuching that night.

Mak gave us laughter. She did not do anything earth shattering. She was happy to be a wife, mother and to feed everyone. She was obsessed with food and was an incorrigible shopaholic.

Mak had an unbelievable zest for living. She didn’t go to school but she was a fast learner. By merely observing Mak could cook, sew, create intricate jewellery, play the accordion, piano and drums, dance the tango and quickstep, and even juggle, yes like a clown. And she loved to mimick. People felt good around her as she was very warm and entertaining.

Mak was a jack of all trades and master of none. Her attitude was as long as you are alive, live! If you make mistakes, laugh at yourself and at others if it makes you feel better. Nobody is perfect, not even the prophets.

Mak was good looking. She was called ugly once, by Bapak. He was in a coma for a month and when he opened his eyes and saw Mak he growled in English, “Get this ugly woman out!” We never told her. Later he told me he was in this beautiful place, surrounded by gorgeous women until he heard my mother calling him non-stop.

My mother Puan Sri Datin Amar Nong Othman was born in Kuching, Sarawak on June 15, 1918. She passed away in Mecca on August 4, 1999. My father passed away on August 26, 1985, whilst performing the Haj.

Abang Marzuki Nor was born in Sibu on May 18, 1913. He met my mother in Kuching when he joined the police force as an Inspector. It was love at first sight. “She was beautiful,” my father said. “Unfortunately none of you got her looks!” My parents were married on July 3, 1936. It was the start of her life as a member of the Obedient Wives Club.

  

There were 10 of us in the family, four boys and six girls. The first two boys, Nor Hashimand Nor Zainal Abidin passed away when they were toddlers. Then along came Norlia, followed in quick succession by Osman, Normah, Norjanah, Khalid, Noor Asmara (me!),Nordiana and Norbaini. Now there are 80 of us in the Marzuki clan.

My father’s journal recorded the Japanese occupation when he was arrested and tortured, and how Mak risked her life, peeping through a window with baby Osman to give him courage. Her second separation from my father was in 1954. He was sent to  Ryton-on-Dunsmore in the Midlands of England. My mother was more terrified of Bapak flying (BOAC) than being left alone with six young brats. Bapak had a jolly time in between studying, driving withfriends to Scotland, Ireland, Paris and Switzerland, while she slaved at home, pinching us blue black.

We grew up in a happy household. My parents were very loving. None of us ever heard them fight. My mother would support him in everything. She never flinched as we were belted or caned. We learned from an early age not to appeal. It was pointless. They would back each other to the death – ours!

Recalled Norlia, “Being the eldest I had to help her with the cooking and taking care of the younger ones. Bapak was her life. She cooked and served all his meals personally until he passed away. We were treated like ‘prisoners’ when younger. We had to line up and food would be dumped on our plates. The very best of the food was saved for bapak.”

“Mak was a fantastic cook. She just threw in everything and it was perfect. Everything was in her head. She was also fashionable and loved to design and sew, even making her own jewellery. Both of them used to party! But Mak found the time to help Bapak with sideincome - cooking for others and being a “mak andam” during weekends. She loved to frighten us with horror stories so we would go to bed early, piling onto their bed till they came home.” Piling on the bed became a Marzuki trait. We had our family pow-wow on their bed until they passed away. It made us very close.

My late brother Osman (he passed away in 2006) said Mak kept the family together. Success could only be achieved with unity in the family she emphasised, “and take care of each other when I am no longer around”. We do.

Said Normah, “Mak would make us cook! Whoever came must eat! She got angry if we grumbled and even whacked us. “You will never go hungry if you share with others!” she scolded. She was generous. During our Haj pilgrimage Mak even cooked a storm for a bacadoa for Bapak’s khatam.  We were too scared to express any negative feelings in case God punished us.

Norjanah said Mak was more than a mother, she was a friend. “I adore her. She was fierce, fun and funny. She taught me to cook, sew and shop!” My mother became a shopaholic when my father’s business improved. “She would shop until there was only five cents in her purse! She did not buy for herself but for others. She invented “shop till you drop”.  And she welcomed all our friends, boyfriends, husbands, even our divorces.” 

“She was a wonderful mother, “said Khalid. “ She was very encouraging. She loved to talk about business and money. She was my icon. Now I carry her tradition of having a family trip every year. We have gone practically around the world in a pack. I miss her. She showed us what love was all about…its giving and sharing.”

Nordiana said Mak lived her life to the fullest, “She could be critical but never judgemental.Mak was kind and loving to all the in-laws, even when they became “out-laws”. She was like a tiger with us but pampered her grandchildren. Mak’s security was gold and cash. She gave me motivation and inspired me to do better.”

“I loved her very much,” said Norbaini, the youngest. ”When bapak died we spoilt her. I would do anything for her. Her mourning did not last long as she went back to cooking and shopping! For Chinese New Year, Christmas and Deepavali, she baked hundreds of cakes for her friends, including the fishmongers and tailors. Mak was not discriminating. She was a spendthrift. She spent generously on the less fortunate which I delivered every Hari Raya. I am still doing it. Mak still makes me laugh now. She was funny and caring. I miss her everyday”.

Mak was flexible. Our singing Christmas tree was a great joy to her as it brought happiness to her grandchildren. I once voiced my irritation with the singing and she retorted, “The tree’s not killing you so why be stupid!” This was Mak’s way of telling us to be tolerant of every race and religion.

  

The passing of anyone you love is painful. But I believe they continue to live within us. 

Mak…I know you are still with us. Thank you, we love you.

The One I wanted

Trading up or trading down.. something that is a matter of making that perfect decisions. However how would one know which directions to move towards? Life as it is, is very volatile. The financial market imitates our life perfectly. Go short peeps, then long.. then nothing at all. Pure senile to me, I tell you.

I miss home. Total randomness today. Bye!

The Uninvited

You suck. Sik Malu ehss! U ruin my sunday! Booooo

Obstacles

Exams; I think is the most often obstacle people in general face. Today was very challenging however I am still hopeful it is good enough for a good grade. I am hopeful, very.

Oh...crying out for help. :/

Ethics and Practice - Final Countdown.

Early hebrew... Early greeks... Neoclassical Economics... Christianity:PreReformation....

Protestant Christianity. Religious views on economics - fundamentals.

Moreover... the Ideologies of Adam Smith, Schumacher and Tekkel.

These are amongst the few topics discussed in our last ethics class today.

I don't know why I'm not enthusiastic (at all) about it? I've lost touch of study happiness.

Memory booster and all other good things please.

Love!

Meenie Mean

I have a problem with dick heads. How can you be insensitive when you have just touched someone's life with kindness? Oh lord, you just pisses me off! Did you somehow gotten a calling to change? Geez I feel like killing you now. so so so so so so so so so hate you!!!!!!

"when you break me with your cold shoulder....." "hate...."

you can go screw yourself! see if I care.... udah. titik.

1st Month in America

Arrived on September 20th, just in time for orientation. Met a handful of people the first day and was still feeling jet-lagged.

Initially mama and ty bedah travelled to help me settle in comfortably somewhere but sadly my permanent apartment was only available after they left. But thank god they were here to keep me company the for the first 2weeks. If not I would have cried being in a new place all alone.

It is perhaps nearly to the 4th week that i've been here in San Francisco. Made new friends, trying very hard to study and catch up with brilliant finance people around me however honestly so far, it has been a tough ride.

Life is interesting here - learnt so many things in a short time (traveling by foot, using the BART, carrying heavy stuff while walking, getting used to the american dollar, cooking&cleaning after myself, etc) . Everything is very independent here and America is definitely not like I pictured it to be. Anyhoo, Ill update as I go by and travel around this continent but for now its San Francisco that i'll be exploring - from food, shopping to sight seeing. Maybe, a lil bit of extra adventure?? ;)

Updates to come! toodle loo!

So far, I'm healthy - my legs might be a bit more muscular compared to before :) take care!

17 days to go...

To friends and readers of my blog...

Its been a long time since any update was done on my page. Ever since, you people have been reading my life's ups and downs as well as dilemas especially relating to the shift from work to study. Hence, to topple all worries, I am happy to announce that I have finally decided the date and will be leaving in 17days to the U.S to further my study. MFin I submit myself to you!

Nonetheless, will be missing most of you (family&friends) but I shall constantly update you via our diverse online apps. Don't worry. Love!

Judge

Damn You!

How dare you judge the quality of my work or the quality of my brain treasures?! when i've not even once worked with you or had a decent conversation with you? I am so so geram la.

Never kill a man's dream when yours has long been gone. Stupid.

No brainer la macam? To you la perhaps but don't insult others by boosting your superiority. Geez this is sickening. Good bye. Gonna go at 6pm sharp today.

dictatorship

Everywhere in the world people are fighting for rights of the marginalized. This comes down to citizens toppling dictators around the world when they feel its right or needed. Today I read that the same conduct of protest for Sarawak's forever serving CM, Taib Mahmud to step down. However the irony is, it is done in London instead of maybe "Lundu" (one of the divisions in Sarawak). This I find funny and for whatever reason is at my own discretion for my own benefit. :)

Anyway, my unbias comments is LOOK AT THE BIGGER PICTURE AND DON'T BE GOVERN BY EMOTIONS. Sorry to say this but my opinion is; somehow human beings especially those of the same religion as me (strictly for those extremists), they result in doing / advocating themselve in something rather radical and at the end, no one really benefits from it especially those marginalized which they were fighting for in the first place.

But nevertheless this is just my honest and genuine thoughts. Please don't hold me liable for any kind of misconduct.


With Love,
Me

Road to Heart Disaster

When people say its time to move on, we should - no reminiscing, no turning back. Your heart is to be preserve with care and nothing else matters. Being at war with something so dear to our hearts is the worst feeling ever. I can't imagine being constantly at war. On one side, we hear our soul screaming for freedom, yet on another we just leave it to rot and sooner or later it will gradually die. Maybe to us, this would be an easier way out then battling the storm. How idiotic and ignorant of us?!

Geez, what a feeling to start the day off. Time to work now. Good day!

my dearest beloved

I'm happy and thankful to have found you in my darkest hour. Thank you.

I am very much in love - today, tomorrow and forever. Hugs*Mwahs

I DEDICATE THIS TO SORAYA

hi sue.

This is for you.

Countless days I feel that you're great. All my friends are because they are unique. Since the first day I met you, I thought to myself, "the girl I am with now, without her tudong on seems so normal and awesome. She will achieve wonders but the only thing that would pull her down is maybe her insecurity".

And, its true! The Sue as I know her, is very insecure; by how she looks, by what she is great with, fearing she won't fit in and constantly thinking if she will ever be great in future.

Well Sue truth is, you've always been great no matter what you think about yourself. The last time I checked, you're the most talented amongst us all. At least you've ever danced (and continuing it now), you know melodies, can sing, you play the piano!, you've managed to finished your 2nd part Archi (even if you dreaded the whole time), you own cool friends like us, you met awesome friends in OZ when you thought you can't, a loving family to top it all and other meaningful things in life.

So dearest Soraya, I think you do have an awesome life. It may not be like others but you have achievements of your own. Don't compare, don't think and don't reminisce too much. Just live your life as it goes.

p/s: You're fortunate to be born talented when others wish to be.

This final quote is for you darling "the soul's joy lies in doing..." -Percy Bysshe Shelley

Love,

Nina Liyana

Continued Version

Relating to the last blog entry... I have decided it will be 1st April due to certain circumstances such as the arrival of my new boss in March, adjusting to my new responsibility @workload at work and also because I need to regain my brain confidence before I take that huge leap.

Oh and if you're wondering what I'm talking about, it's me deciding the date to start masters part-time. :)

Cheers to having everything alright again! Yeay!

18 Feb or 1st April

I like the idea of starting on the 1st of April. It makes it jittery sweet, just because its april fool. not. hehe

I'm contemplating again. Girls...if you're reading this, I need you here. How can I make decisions without screwing my life?

This is absurd-me think, because nothing you do in life that is good, should ruin lives-me feel. So I've concluded that I am indeed paranormal activity.

Nina, GET OVER IT! Just do what you have to do. Then again, the question is always gonna be the same. Either 18 Feb or 1st April or nothing at all?

Luck!

Dj Club

Last night was great with ma homies. Oh wait, its not great. Its AWESOME! and its been a long time.

We went to this karaoke open bar called Dj club. Initially I thought the Dj abbreviation stands for disc-jockey but then I realise that its actually Damansara Jaya. Hehe Wahh, what a smart coincidence.

So there I was with Noreen (the first 2 that arrived), sitting at the high table feeling "sexcited" to choose our songs and start singing along. And no joke, we chose over 20songs or more. Can u believe that? Other people would call that pure-obsession. :) After few rounds of drinks, only then the singing came out natural. But even our un-angelic natural voices were far better than those ca-ya-nun-alif's. no offence.

So while waiting for the rest of the gang to arrive and at the start of our Hotel California sing-a-long, we were blessed with a visitor. I was curious of why he said hello to us then something played in my head. "Perhaps our voices were too cool to be true". Yeah I think that was it. LOL. But you know what the fun part was, he asked if we were really from cali because he claimed he stayed in Hawaii for 8 years. Don't ask me what is the connection thou. Just think of this: How cool is that to have? Sandy white beaches on Hawaii Island-everyday is a holiday.

After that, the rest of the night went by so quickly when everybody came. We finally left the place at 2am with a heavy heart and an angry Noreen because she didn't get most of her songs due to bias-ness to those Chinese regulars. Among the song they sang, I only understood the "wo ai ni" song.

All-in-all, last night was pleasurable with an ending at a mamak stall eating nasi lemak until 3am. Thank God today I managed to wake up for work. Thumbs up to all.

xoxo

double-tree

I don't know why people tend to result in last minute decision or putting most "planned" things to the very last...I don't geddit.

Sunday is mama's 50th birthday and I have no idea where to buy that gift I have in my head for her. It would be an awesome gift I tell you, just because of ONE reason: she would definitely LOVE it. This gift is not like those other ordinary gifts I usually get for her birthday. But oh where?

So for now its just cards, dinner and a cake. I'm hoping for that elephant sculpture.

Make this possible. Oh, crap I don't geddit why I'm such a bad daughter for not planning this sooner. Geez.

H dot R

It takes ages for them to prepare it. I bet it will take approximately a week from now. So, I shall take my own sweet time to sign it. Yes, thats right!