completely pointless

greetings...

im not complaining, nor am i happy with anything. life has been the same ever since my boring campus life. it evolves around work i don't love. where are the people i love? i need back up. i need support. i need to straighten my life back. who cares if im a whore? a bitch or any kind of crude words there are to describe it. but i was happy with it. now? hypocresy, butt rubbing and stuck up the nose trauma everywhere. people are such nosy people. from back then and now. sometimes i wish i could tell things about myself to people. the real me and leave out the negative judgements in the end. someone i love once said, "i love this other girl too much to leave her for u." but in actual fact. its me who was there first. how could he. how could he? comforting moments are beyond reach nowadays. even if u think ure in the comforting zone, think again babe. ure NOT. people say miracles happen. without doubt some wishes do come true. only thing u need to have is faith. but im too tired to think about miracles or come true wishes. im too tired and half hearted to even think of beautiful things around me. i see ugly faces, i see ugly scenery, i see the ugly me now. if anyone could see the end of the road and what ever will happen to you personally, i wish u all the happiness u might or might not need. im too depressed to figure anything out. failure of heart disease, blood vessels pops, sugar level increases...those are diseases that could be cured. what about the matter of the heart? can it be back as normal like the sugar level? or will someone just die and never breath as normal as it may seem few moments backwards. im sitting here, thinking of ideas to create a new environment for myself. wishing everything was as it is back 10 years before. no hassle, no worries. just few injuries. if one day, someone turns me down and i dont cry. i want who ever knows about this to capture that moment. that moment mayb the last in my entire life. its a sign of me collapsing of time. of me going away for good. or mayb im just really really tired and sick to care. if this time comes. watch out for me ok? i might do hideous things. i love my life. but i hate it at the same time. stars seems very dim to me now. everything dull. so, dear friends, find your happiness. dont be like me. im an old women in a young lady's body. see ya in heaven or hell.

lots of love,
Nina