I often hear people around me especially my DEAREST friends grief about losing someone that has been part of themselves even if it is just for a short period of time. The loss of a relationship can be incredibly hard - you can feel so much pain. There's not only the grief from losing someone important in your life, but the pain of seeing your hopes and dreams of a future life together disappear as well. Sometimes this is the hardest part - having to totally readjust your view of how you saw your life unfolding in the next 5 to 10 years. Suddenly, you can't see into the future and it's scary. VERY SCARY!
Earlier today, a friend of mine was having a difficult time solving her own problems involving - how to cope with her own feelings. What i can say here is that some people may feel like they're starting over - that they've lost everything that was important to thenm and they're not sure what to do anymore (this happens to everyone - trust me). It may be hard for some people to imagine their life without their partner - their lives have been so intertwined. But everyone has to face the truth and let "yourself" know that even how hard or complicating the problem is, you will get through it no matter what.
People can be in quite a dilema after break ups. One - they will have difficulty in trusting again. This happens. You may find yourself questioning who you can trust, including your own judgement since you may not have expected the break-up. You may wonder if you were wrong to have trusted your partner. You may begin to question how real your relationship was because if it was real how could it be over? Your ability to trust may feel shaky. You probably trusted your partner, and expected your relationship to last. You may feel alone and abandoned, even if you're the one who decided to leave. While it takes time, you can re-build trust in yourself and others again. Even though this relationship is over that doesn't mean that you were wrong to trust her/him, and even if you were that doesn't mean that you'll make that mistake again. You can learn from this.
Break-ups can hurt immensely and shake us to our very core. They can throw us right back to the feelings we had in our first relationships -the ones we had with our parents. If as a child, your relationship with your parents were loving and supportive, you may find yourself wanting to be with them, even wanting to be a child again when it felt safer and easier. If your relationship with your parents was difficult, lacking, or abusive you may feel some of the feelings that you felt with them (even if you weren't aware of them as a child.) You may feel as though you are drowning in grief and feelings of abandonment. If you feel as though you are being punished or that the break-up means that you are unloveable, or unworthy of love, you are probably triggered - those are messages, beliefs or feelings that usually originate in childhood.
At times of loss, it is very common for feelings, beliefs and memories from past hurts, traumas, and losses to come up. Not only are you dealing with the present loss, but your past losses as well. No wonder, it hurts so much! And, there are ways to cope with triggers.
Grief moves in stages - it has a beginning, middle, and an end phase.
In the beginning, you may feel in shock, denial, or numb. It may be hard for you to believe what has happened. It may be hard to make sense of it all. You may find yourself expecting to come home to your partner or for her/him to call at a regular time only to discover that's not the case any longer. It may take awhile for you to fully comprehend that the relationship is over. During this phase many people operate as if the relationship is still on even as they grieve the loss. For example, even though you may be really upset, you may not have fully accepted that the relationship is over. Deep down you may be waiting for her/him to come back. (People do this even after a death, it's normal.) This period of disbelief or shock is the body's natural protection against pain. You may try to get back together even when you know it's over. You may go over and over in your mind and with everyone you talk to what you think led to the break up or what might have made a difference and resulted in a different outcome. This is the "if only" stage - "if only I had...or, if only I hadn't..." we might still be together. If you are doing this, you are likely trying to make sense of what has happened, trying to understand and take it in, and trying to change it too. It's hard to take in that a break up is permanent. You'll need time to fully absorb this reality. At this stage, you may have trouble remembering things, focusing, and feeling a sense of purpose or direction in their lives - you may feel as though you are drifting through the day. This is a natural initial reaction to loss.
The second stage involves feeling fear, anger and depression. This stage often lasts the longest and can be filled with feelings of insecurity, panic, worry, crying, anger, and feelings of depression. Some people don't allow themselves to feel, while others have trouble letting go of how they are feeling. Both are essential - feeling and eventually letting go. Some people worry that if they let themselves feel that they'll be overcome with emotion and never come out of it - they'll drown in their feelings and not be able to function. Others feel their feelings but can't seem to let go of them even after a lot of time has passed. Either way, it's important to give yourself permission to feel and at some point to let go so that you can move on. In the beginning, you may think that you will always feel this way, but you won't. Your feelings will pass. You'll discover that the time between down periods increases. Too often with break-ups we don't feel that we have the right to feel upset much longer than a few weeks when the truth is it usually takes longer. I have found that grief tends to run a cycle of at least one year unless of course the relationship wasn't very important, was short-term, or you were grieving before you actually left her/him. But, if you spent a number of years together, and the person was important to you, even if you're the one doing the breaking up you can still be grieving for approximately one year. Of course with very long term relationships, it can take even longer to feel back on your feet but it is still possible to recover.
This is the stage where you begin to accept that the relationship is over, and that you're going to be okay. You realize that you haven't thought about your ex-partner in awhile, and that without realizing it you are moving on. You've gained back some of your zest for life, and are beginning to see a future ahead of you. Sometimes the process involves a little movement forward and a little back. This is okay and perfectly normal, afterall you need to get used to your forward steps and occasionally may need the comfort of what you were feeling before. Try not to be hard on yourself, change is not a linear path. It's full of up's and down's. It's okay to feel good and then feel hurt and angry again, especially if you see her/him in the community or dating someone else. In the acceptance stage, you've done a lot of thinking about the relationship and the break-up and you realize things that you hadn't before. You understand yourself better, and you aren't as angry or hurt. You find yourself laughing more, and feeling hopeful. You begin to notice that you're feeling better and that you are ready to trust again, or at least to try. Try not to lose faith if you fall back into a funk - each time that you feel better will have an accumulative effect. Grief comes in waves - up and down. Sometimes letting go just happens after you've let yourself grieve and rage and whatever else you need to do. Other times, people have to deliberately and consciously focus on letting go. It is tempting to hold on, and scary to let go. Saying to yourself that you are letting go of your ex-partner can be helpful. Interrupting yourself when you get stuck thinking or talking about her/him and redirecting your focus onto something else is all part of letting go. Filling your life with activities that you enjoy - creative, playful, sociable, soulful activities - are all ways to nurture yourself back to health.
Breaking-up can feel unbearably hard and so permanent. Let yourself know that you won't always feel this way and in the meantime let yourself grieve your losses fully. You will feel stronger and lighter for having done so.
Editted from Kali Munro's "How to cope" , (M.Ed - Toronto psychotherapist)
Glad if i could help my friends out there with their problems by writing this cause seriously....i know how this entire thing feels like. Full of shit. So enjoy! and Good Luck.
Loads of Love,
NiNa
Monday, May 31, 2004
Thursday, May 27, 2004
AWAITING
I'll be leaving in an hours time from the clock ticking right here in front of me. Tick Tock Tick Tock. To wait for the time to finally arrive is one boring section of my life today. I am not excited nor sad to go for this trip. My feelings are blunt and undescribable. What should i do? What should i feel? What should i fear? What should i pray? Everything is crumpled in this head of mine. People may say i am an emotional fucker but i AM. What can i do? Its just plain old NiNa. Known as the emotional stalk. Im such a sad person to think of. So mind me and go try figure something else better to do than sit there reading my post here. Its stupid and unworth while.
To end this post, i would like to say that i miss my sayang a lot. Done something truly stupid yesterday that i am regretting now. Haven't heard from him ever since i started acting like a dweeb. Hoping i would get some news out of him within the hour cause i do really need to hear from him (miss him terribly). "When we have them for ourselves we tend to forget how important they are in our lives but when they ain't there, we will hunt for them like there's no tomorrow". Very sickening don't you think? I am glad i realise the mistake before its too late or before something worst happens. What came to my mind last night? don't ask cause i don't know and don't want to think of it anymore. May all those nightmares just stay as nightmares. Cause to love him and giving up on him the the worst thing that could happen. Losing him is out of the question. I hope he does forgive me.
Wow...i never knew god heard my prayers and applied it so quickly. I finally heard from him before i could finish writing this post. Now im a happy women. Thank you ALLAH.
NiNa
To end this post, i would like to say that i miss my sayang a lot. Done something truly stupid yesterday that i am regretting now. Haven't heard from him ever since i started acting like a dweeb. Hoping i would get some news out of him within the hour cause i do really need to hear from him (miss him terribly). "When we have them for ourselves we tend to forget how important they are in our lives but when they ain't there, we will hunt for them like there's no tomorrow". Very sickening don't you think? I am glad i realise the mistake before its too late or before something worst happens. What came to my mind last night? don't ask cause i don't know and don't want to think of it anymore. May all those nightmares just stay as nightmares. Cause to love him and giving up on him the the worst thing that could happen. Losing him is out of the question. I hope he does forgive me.
Wow...i never knew god heard my prayers and applied it so quickly. I finally heard from him before i could finish writing this post. Now im a happy women. Thank you ALLAH.
NiNa
WOMEN
She has to be completely washable, but not plastic, have over 200 movable parts, all replacable and able to run on diet coke and leftovers, have a lap that can hold four children at one time, have a kiss that can cure anything from a scraped knee to a broken heart -- and she will do everything with only two hands.
God made Women soft but He has also made women tough. People have no idea what women can endure or accomplish.Not only will "she" be able to think, she will be able to reason and negotiate. Women are known to leak with tears in everything they do. Tears are her way of expressing her joy, her sorrow, her pain, her disappointment, her love, her loneliness, her grief and her pride.
Women are truly amazing. And YES there ARE! Women have strengths that amaze men. They bear hardships and they carry burdens, but they hold happiness,love and joy.
They smile when they want to scream. They sing when they want to cry. They cry when they are happy and laugh when they are nervous. They fight for what they believe in. They stand up to injustice. They don't take "no" for an answer when they believe there is a better solution. They go without so their family can have. They go to the doctor with a frightened friend. They love unconditionally. They cry when their children excel and cheer when their friends get awards. They are happy when they hear about a birth or a wedding. Their hearts break when a friend dies. They grieve at the loss of a family member, yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left.
They know that a hug and a kiss can help to heal a broken heart. Women come in all sizes, in all colors and shapes. They'll drive, fly, walk, run, or e-mail you to show how much they care about you. The heart of a woman is what makes the world keep turning! They bring joy and hope. They have compassion and ideals.They give moral support to their family and friends. Women have vital things to say and everything to give.
However if there's one flaw in women, it is that they tend to forget how much they're worth.
**So I hope women out there won't forget how important they are in this WORLD**
God made Women soft but He has also made women tough. People have no idea what women can endure or accomplish.Not only will "she" be able to think, she will be able to reason and negotiate. Women are known to leak with tears in everything they do. Tears are her way of expressing her joy, her sorrow, her pain, her disappointment, her love, her loneliness, her grief and her pride.
Women are truly amazing. And YES there ARE! Women have strengths that amaze men. They bear hardships and they carry burdens, but they hold happiness,love and joy.
They smile when they want to scream. They sing when they want to cry. They cry when they are happy and laugh when they are nervous. They fight for what they believe in. They stand up to injustice. They don't take "no" for an answer when they believe there is a better solution. They go without so their family can have. They go to the doctor with a frightened friend. They love unconditionally. They cry when their children excel and cheer when their friends get awards. They are happy when they hear about a birth or a wedding. Their hearts break when a friend dies. They grieve at the loss of a family member, yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left.
They know that a hug and a kiss can help to heal a broken heart. Women come in all sizes, in all colors and shapes. They'll drive, fly, walk, run, or e-mail you to show how much they care about you. The heart of a woman is what makes the world keep turning! They bring joy and hope. They have compassion and ideals.They give moral support to their family and friends. Women have vital things to say and everything to give.
However if there's one flaw in women, it is that they tend to forget how much they're worth.
**So I hope women out there won't forget how important they are in this WORLD**
Wednesday, May 26, 2004
Me, Myself and I
A cute baby girl has been born on the 13th of June 1986. That was 18 years ago. The little princess was the pride and joy of the house cause its been ages since the house had any babies. Everything was given to her from endless love of the family to toys that anyone could dream off. Her dress collections were massive. She was the living princess. Nothing to complain. Being fed everyday. Being taken care everyday just like any other princess would be treated in the palace grounds. Nothing lesser than that.
As she grew up, she became one adorable chubby girl. When to a normal school and studied there for 6 years till she finishes her primary 6. Education wise was incredible. Have been an ALL A @ STAR student and truly wasn't a burden to her parents. She was bright alright. Her determination was the thing that kept her going all the way to get the best. When she was in form 1 she went to one of the convent school in kuching. Stayed till the 5th month before she move to a boarding school.
From that day forward she changed into someone different. It wasn't like the olden days. Those boarding school tought her some good stuff but at the same time she picked up some bad stuff from it. She was in the middle of trying to figure her own soul. Staying at a boarding school thought her how to be independant dan very self reliable because we can't never rely on people. Everything, you have to do it on our own. There, she met her true friends. Nothing can challenge the way you find friends through boarding school. You get to really know the person inside out. Other than that, she learnt how to give and take, how to be patient with one another and learn to defend herself when needed. That's the beauty of it. But the negative part of a boarding school is, the INFLUENCE of friends. You get lazy now and then cause when you see other people not studying...you tend to not study too. So its like some kind of pattern in the hostel. You hear people scream and shout plus getting crazy. You don't get enough sleep cause you stay awake to chat with friends till midnight. You dont score too well a grade when you're doing all that. It was all pity but she manage to get through it at the least of time. But it was truly a great experience that could not be bought anywhere else. One thing no one should regret of having.
After the PMR examinations she moved again to a convent school but for now its different. The convent school she is in that time was her old convent's rival school. It is funny to think about it but it was pretty good. While she studied there, she became one of the best in class. Another history of getting A's. The feeling was incredible. Making her parents proud again of her is one feeling no one can describe. No words are stronger than that feeling. It stayed that way till one day LOVE came into her life. It wasn't that she has never experience love before but for that time, it felt like the real thing. She loved that person with her whole heart. With him she was happy. No other relation made her as happy as that. The guy stole her heart away like the swift wind. He was the best she could ever have in her life. She loved him, she adore him, she cared for him, she was even too loyal for him. Those were the fine memories she had stored for him in her heart. No one could take that away from her even for a thousand years. Never crossed her mind she would lose him but as we all perfectly know, love should be two sided not just one sided. As the malay saying goes "tepuk sebelah tangan takkan berbunyi"...it was hard for her at first. Its a lie to say that she moved on immediately cause she DIDN'T. It took her a long time to forget cause her love for him was so deep. Deeper than the blue ocean. *aHaKs* But Alhamdulillah she came back to her senses and move on in time to study for SPM examinations.
After getting the results that ain't good enough, she thought she would never get into any local uni. but GOD powers are beyond questions. She survived and got into a good University instead. She was so thankful and greatful that Allah hears her prayers and gave her another chance to prove that she is better off. For now, she is much more a better and stronger person. Her determination is there and as this is written she is hoping the determination will always be there so she can finally get what she has been dreaming off all this while. To be successful. ;)
P/S: Everything she has been through and gain all this while she thank Allah for giving her chances after chances and also very thankful to be given a very loving FAMILY. Alhamdulillah.
As she grew up, she became one adorable chubby girl. When to a normal school and studied there for 6 years till she finishes her primary 6. Education wise was incredible. Have been an ALL A @ STAR student and truly wasn't a burden to her parents. She was bright alright. Her determination was the thing that kept her going all the way to get the best. When she was in form 1 she went to one of the convent school in kuching. Stayed till the 5th month before she move to a boarding school.
From that day forward she changed into someone different. It wasn't like the olden days. Those boarding school tought her some good stuff but at the same time she picked up some bad stuff from it. She was in the middle of trying to figure her own soul. Staying at a boarding school thought her how to be independant dan very self reliable because we can't never rely on people. Everything, you have to do it on our own. There, she met her true friends. Nothing can challenge the way you find friends through boarding school. You get to really know the person inside out. Other than that, she learnt how to give and take, how to be patient with one another and learn to defend herself when needed. That's the beauty of it. But the negative part of a boarding school is, the INFLUENCE of friends. You get lazy now and then cause when you see other people not studying...you tend to not study too. So its like some kind of pattern in the hostel. You hear people scream and shout plus getting crazy. You don't get enough sleep cause you stay awake to chat with friends till midnight. You dont score too well a grade when you're doing all that. It was all pity but she manage to get through it at the least of time. But it was truly a great experience that could not be bought anywhere else. One thing no one should regret of having.
After the PMR examinations she moved again to a convent school but for now its different. The convent school she is in that time was her old convent's rival school. It is funny to think about it but it was pretty good. While she studied there, she became one of the best in class. Another history of getting A's. The feeling was incredible. Making her parents proud again of her is one feeling no one can describe. No words are stronger than that feeling. It stayed that way till one day LOVE came into her life. It wasn't that she has never experience love before but for that time, it felt like the real thing. She loved that person with her whole heart. With him she was happy. No other relation made her as happy as that. The guy stole her heart away like the swift wind. He was the best she could ever have in her life. She loved him, she adore him, she cared for him, she was even too loyal for him. Those were the fine memories she had stored for him in her heart. No one could take that away from her even for a thousand years. Never crossed her mind she would lose him but as we all perfectly know, love should be two sided not just one sided. As the malay saying goes "tepuk sebelah tangan takkan berbunyi"...it was hard for her at first. Its a lie to say that she moved on immediately cause she DIDN'T. It took her a long time to forget cause her love for him was so deep. Deeper than the blue ocean. *aHaKs* But Alhamdulillah she came back to her senses and move on in time to study for SPM examinations.
After getting the results that ain't good enough, she thought she would never get into any local uni. but GOD powers are beyond questions. She survived and got into a good University instead. She was so thankful and greatful that Allah hears her prayers and gave her another chance to prove that she is better off. For now, she is much more a better and stronger person. Her determination is there and as this is written she is hoping the determination will always be there so she can finally get what she has been dreaming off all this while. To be successful. ;)
P/S: Everything she has been through and gain all this while she thank Allah for giving her chances after chances and also very thankful to be given a very loving FAMILY. Alhamdulillah.
Tuesday, May 25, 2004
HAPPY
My day today started like all ordinary days ive been through for the past 6 months of my life [after SPM]. Boring as ever. I never knew something good would happen to me today. In the afternoon i was with daydeck at her place as usual doing all those girlie stuff. Taking pictures using the web camera like nobody's business but it was cool though. I finally meet Daydeck again. Its been quite a long time since she left for manchester in april. And she's back again!! im so happy. After goofing around with Daydeck and her sister, Ein i went accompanying Daydeck to meet Feroz at Masja. They sent me home and VOILA!! im here doing my blogger. Boring life aint it? So, as time passes by my life became more interesting. Been answering quizes through the net but the most important thing of my journey into this life is...I GOT into UIA. Finally what ive ever wanted came true. I will soon be a successful ARCHITECT that will entertain thousands of demands!! I have big dreams..so kill me already! *aHaKs* praise ALLAH the Almighty for his blessing..Alhamdulillah
Monday, May 24, 2004
LOVE
Define love. Before..I always blame love for everything that happened to me. From the breaking ups, to sore life, even about failing my test. But now when i truly know the meaning of love, i look up to it as one great deal. I thank God for sending me a truly good person in my life. I am putting hope in this relationship as i wouldn't in any of my relations before. Distance separate us from having each other up close but our love binds us together like no other or i can say like GLUE. I truly love him and appreciate him. Talking to him makes me happy, knowing he is fine makes me glad, having him thinking about me is sensational,to have someone like him loving me is something i wouldn't change for anything else, and to finally have him in my arms n around me is a blessing. I love you Sayang. With all my heart.
NiNa
NiNa
# 1
Thanx to Jal's blogspot and the fantastic writings, i have choosen to start my own blogger. As i am often bored this could be a way to express my true feelings eventhough there's no one to read it. This may be one of my favourite spot online starting now. *GrIn*
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)