Tuesday, January 29, 2008
If...
studying today is a stress factor. Research Method is one of a kind subject. no playing games here. dont intend to flunk it either. so im crossing my fingers and hoping for the best. nina has to gear up. and i am... starting now! *grin*
Sunday, January 27, 2008
blerghhh
i have this big sign on my forhead "IM SUCH CRAP"
indeed i am... night xoxo
indeed i am... night xoxo
Saturday, January 26, 2008
momentum
24 January 2008
Yesterday – miserable, depressing
Like so many others, I have a life. Life I can be proud of. A general birth of happiness, joy and laughters has always been within me but somehow days are gloomy now. Maybe its stress related to school workload, maybe its family, or maybe its friends. I’m not sure. But I know its not you. You’ve been the punching bag, without you this won’t emerge positively. Thank you. Have anyone ever felt that the world just exploded or have fallen unto your head? How does that feel? Technically speaking I don’t know, but I can imagine it to be so dreadfully painful. I’m coming to a similar phase where I can’t think straight. I can’t function well. My brain has just failed on me. It’s still running profusely but in a hijacked environment. I’m tired of things spinning and failing me. It’s frustrating. If until here, you’re tired of reading this, u may leave. Don’t waste ur time reading. I won’t take it to heart plus I don’t need anyone judging me. Cause this is what I feel. Being the simple old nina. So, when one day someone feels what I feel now, then come to me and talk because I would love to know how u deal with it.
Loving is hard. Has always been especially if it leaves u weak, vulnerable and unable to act correctly. And you know u want to do something about it but you just can’t. I don’t know how to define this. Is the people around you cruel or are you? Is it too much to ask for a little attention or affection when u need it? or is that not a rightful thing to expect? Selfish much? Oh my, I can’t differentiate the right from wrong anymore. Joe told me I’m a spoil brat. Maybe I am but despite that I know ill do anything in my power to make everyone around me happy. And it’s a tiring job. I’m not asking to be praised like an angel for what I’m born naturally of. But appreciation once in awhile makes it all good. For as long as I live, I have known that people will not come to me without purpose especially from those whom I love deeply. Why do people come to me anyways? Am I like that old rug on the floor that when u need to wipe your feet dry or clean, only then you come to me for cleaning help? I don’t want to be that person anymore. It’s sad. Why can’t people like to be around me just because I’m a great person to be with? Sometimes I think it’s because I’m an easy person to step on, or taken for a ride for. In simple English, taken for granted of. Now I know how my mom feels. Frustration is the root of all depression. It’s evil. And I’m learning and taking baby steps to not fall for it anymore. Why should I if no one elses care?
Days are faster now you know. The more ure towards your end, the faster it gets. And im feeling it now. Your time, my time may end any second. Not now but maybe a second later. Maybe mine would be when I sleep? I dunno. I am not saying im ready for it but I pray my death won’t be as painful as this. I hope no one else have to feel this. It’s equivalent to someone stabbing a knife in your heart and just leaves it there. I wonder who will be at my funeral. “Syaza said she is afraid no one will come to her wedding, don’t worry darling, I’ll definitely come. Cause it means the whole world to me to see you happy and well lit on your glorious day.” Im not thinking about marriage though, but if one day I die, I do not want to die in regret that I’ve not done what I’ve always wanted to do. Ill make sure my death wish list is accomplished. And if ure not true in being my friend, I don’t want you around when I’m on my death bed. Because I want to leave the world with people who honestly want to be there to bid me my final goodbye. Make sure no one cries ok? I can see you… :)
Good night now. xoxo
Yesterday – miserable, depressing
Like so many others, I have a life. Life I can be proud of. A general birth of happiness, joy and laughters has always been within me but somehow days are gloomy now. Maybe its stress related to school workload, maybe its family, or maybe its friends. I’m not sure. But I know its not you. You’ve been the punching bag, without you this won’t emerge positively. Thank you. Have anyone ever felt that the world just exploded or have fallen unto your head? How does that feel? Technically speaking I don’t know, but I can imagine it to be so dreadfully painful. I’m coming to a similar phase where I can’t think straight. I can’t function well. My brain has just failed on me. It’s still running profusely but in a hijacked environment. I’m tired of things spinning and failing me. It’s frustrating. If until here, you’re tired of reading this, u may leave. Don’t waste ur time reading. I won’t take it to heart plus I don’t need anyone judging me. Cause this is what I feel. Being the simple old nina. So, when one day someone feels what I feel now, then come to me and talk because I would love to know how u deal with it.
Loving is hard. Has always been especially if it leaves u weak, vulnerable and unable to act correctly. And you know u want to do something about it but you just can’t. I don’t know how to define this. Is the people around you cruel or are you? Is it too much to ask for a little attention or affection when u need it? or is that not a rightful thing to expect? Selfish much? Oh my, I can’t differentiate the right from wrong anymore. Joe told me I’m a spoil brat. Maybe I am but despite that I know ill do anything in my power to make everyone around me happy. And it’s a tiring job. I’m not asking to be praised like an angel for what I’m born naturally of. But appreciation once in awhile makes it all good. For as long as I live, I have known that people will not come to me without purpose especially from those whom I love deeply. Why do people come to me anyways? Am I like that old rug on the floor that when u need to wipe your feet dry or clean, only then you come to me for cleaning help? I don’t want to be that person anymore. It’s sad. Why can’t people like to be around me just because I’m a great person to be with? Sometimes I think it’s because I’m an easy person to step on, or taken for a ride for. In simple English, taken for granted of. Now I know how my mom feels. Frustration is the root of all depression. It’s evil. And I’m learning and taking baby steps to not fall for it anymore. Why should I if no one elses care?
Days are faster now you know. The more ure towards your end, the faster it gets. And im feeling it now. Your time, my time may end any second. Not now but maybe a second later. Maybe mine would be when I sleep? I dunno. I am not saying im ready for it but I pray my death won’t be as painful as this. I hope no one else have to feel this. It’s equivalent to someone stabbing a knife in your heart and just leaves it there. I wonder who will be at my funeral. “Syaza said she is afraid no one will come to her wedding, don’t worry darling, I’ll definitely come. Cause it means the whole world to me to see you happy and well lit on your glorious day.” Im not thinking about marriage though, but if one day I die, I do not want to die in regret that I’ve not done what I’ve always wanted to do. Ill make sure my death wish list is accomplished. And if ure not true in being my friend, I don’t want you around when I’m on my death bed. Because I want to leave the world with people who honestly want to be there to bid me my final goodbye. Make sure no one cries ok? I can see you… :)
Good night now. xoxo
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
Silly
i had quizzess today. one down and another to rant. hah! i hate today. its ironic how i can hate life easily now. hate hate hate. is that too mean to judge? wadeva
ok, its been a week that i stayed in my compartment. it seems so colourful when i got back. i wonder why? somehow i've forgotten that the carpets on the floor and the things i paste on the walls make it alive. well, its still boring because of the abiding rules but its still nice.
had dinner with my roommates and syaza last night. and played uno at mali. how cool is that? i told you my friends can be rather bizzarre. but in a good way. i love them. how could i not like what little things they do? *GRIN* so last night was a good come back.
ida was dancing last night while i was cracking my head to remember notes but to my amusement i cant see her less than that. she is always this impromptu roommate i've had since 1st year. its been 3yrs now living with my partially retarded roomie. we had our rows, differences and hatreds. but thats it. we always do that when we love someone. maybe out of dissapointment? *chehhh* but i have to say, ida rocks my head hard with all the things she likes to do in the room, enclosed by 4 hideous white walls. is your head starting to ponder what? well come join me in the room for some wild experience. hahahaha i make her sound like a pole dancer. sharks. i shouldn't do that, as it would give complimentary remarks for her. stop. erase. teee heee. but i love u anyway. Isk is following in her footstep. hopefully u don't turn into a wild monkey or a hamster per se isk. *smile* oh thats my other new roomie. and i like her too. she blends well.
so, 2moro is another public holiday. thaipusam. i wonder who among us are carrying the kabadi thingy. it must be a hell of a pain. to those celebrating, have an blessed festival. to those who are just going to enjoy the holidays, lets go kite flying or karaoke!? yes??? lets do something while im in campus. hahahhaha u know ull miss me....xoxo.
ok, its been a week that i stayed in my compartment. it seems so colourful when i got back. i wonder why? somehow i've forgotten that the carpets on the floor and the things i paste on the walls make it alive. well, its still boring because of the abiding rules but its still nice.
had dinner with my roommates and syaza last night. and played uno at mali. how cool is that? i told you my friends can be rather bizzarre. but in a good way. i love them. how could i not like what little things they do? *GRIN* so last night was a good come back.
ida was dancing last night while i was cracking my head to remember notes but to my amusement i cant see her less than that. she is always this impromptu roommate i've had since 1st year. its been 3yrs now living with my partially retarded roomie. we had our rows, differences and hatreds. but thats it. we always do that when we love someone. maybe out of dissapointment? *chehhh* but i have to say, ida rocks my head hard with all the things she likes to do in the room, enclosed by 4 hideous white walls. is your head starting to ponder what? well come join me in the room for some wild experience. hahahaha i make her sound like a pole dancer. sharks. i shouldn't do that, as it would give complimentary remarks for her. stop. erase. teee heee. but i love u anyway. Isk is following in her footstep. hopefully u don't turn into a wild monkey or a hamster per se isk. *smile* oh thats my other new roomie. and i like her too. she blends well.
so, 2moro is another public holiday. thaipusam. i wonder who among us are carrying the kabadi thingy. it must be a hell of a pain. to those celebrating, have an blessed festival. to those who are just going to enjoy the holidays, lets go kite flying or karaoke!? yes??? lets do something while im in campus. hahahhaha u know ull miss me....xoxo.
Sunday, January 20, 2008
Maturity Sucks
I’ve never realized that being an adult is so hard, difficult and stressful. What happened to my stressed free environment? This is not a self-realization or what so ever. Just a statement in my account. Everything started when I had to hunt for a place for practical training and having to do 21.5 crdt hr for this semester. It leaves me hectic, tired and robotic. How I wished I didn’t push myself. But I cant stand leaving on campus any longer so opt for this. Aiyah. Its not that I don’t get time for myself. I get it every weekend but somehow it has always been about college. Either educational or the complimentary things that came with it upon registration. Assignments are pilling up and mid terms are on the roll. I officially can say I HATE MY LIFE. And honestly, I need a break. I think ill do that right after I finish my degree. Hopefully my endurance is strong. *cross-fingers* sadly, the only time my mind is free was when I went shopping with my family today. I bought lotsa colourful clothes that I like. Im happy that I didn’t-not even once thought of the pile of work I have to do. Im glad. Glad to have fun-loving family as my comfort zone. Me Love....
Thursday, January 17, 2008
What i just realized...
days go by so quickly nowadays. i was in the car just now with joe and i asked him,
"bie, what day is 2moro?" he answered, "friday la syg.." i was like, f*ck! its friday already?
i felt it was only yesterday that its sunday; when i had to pick up my dad and say bye to joe. not permanently though just mutual bye bye. ok, i have to admit that my brain capacity to remember things and to function efficiently has drained. i feel tired most of the time, i feel like i have less time to do so many things in my to do list (and i always fail to finish all of everything daily), and like i've neglected most people that i should spend time with (esp. sue and kuhaz cause they are leaving in less than 7weeks) just because everyone around me is suddenly so demanding. im not saying its entirely everyone elses' and not mine. but you know sometimes blaming other people makes me feel better bout myself. cause at least i see myself not so screwed up. no matter how screwed up i can be. geez... i know i know i know its a bad trait but i don't do it on purpose. most are with perfect reasons why. i think.
ive been re- eading this entire post. its not even impressive. and not even nice to read. when i re-read it, i just see lines lines and lines of crap. ok. stop. rewind. i hate this. so much to do but so little time. i use to be so good at time management. now im just all screwed. this is serious. on top of that, im always out of money these days cause i spend it on necessary things like petrol. if i would just stay in campus and not go back and forth i would save at least 30% of my petrol expanses a month. but noooo...nina likes to be the wonder women for other people but never ever put herself first. WHY? cause u can call me dum dum. yes indeed. meet Miss Dum Dum.
i am forever complaining but im not doing anything bout it. and here my friends especially the closest to me have to hear my whines and swearing. or sometimes i just have this play technique of my own playing in my head. im acting like a kid again. i can't disclose myself openly to the public cause i think people will hate me. so i retreat into my comfort zone and talk to myself inside my head. now i make myself sound crazy. maybe i should see a shrink. cause even when i dont do anything wrong, ill cry and think i did. pressure is getting into me. i can seem happy, but im not. i can seem sad and glum but im just the total opposite. how to know my absolute truth? negative. even i dont know myself.
i should stop before my brain cracks into pieces. i need a break. maybe go for a holiday by the beach alone in the bahamas. i dont need anyone. im a fake. i need to stop talking. i feel sorry for myself.
xoxo
"bie, what day is 2moro?" he answered, "friday la syg.." i was like, f*ck! its friday already?
i felt it was only yesterday that its sunday; when i had to pick up my dad and say bye to joe. not permanently though just mutual bye bye. ok, i have to admit that my brain capacity to remember things and to function efficiently has drained. i feel tired most of the time, i feel like i have less time to do so many things in my to do list (and i always fail to finish all of everything daily), and like i've neglected most people that i should spend time with (esp. sue and kuhaz cause they are leaving in less than 7weeks) just because everyone around me is suddenly so demanding. im not saying its entirely everyone elses' and not mine. but you know sometimes blaming other people makes me feel better bout myself. cause at least i see myself not so screwed up. no matter how screwed up i can be. geez... i know i know i know its a bad trait but i don't do it on purpose. most are with perfect reasons why. i think.
ive been re- eading this entire post. its not even impressive. and not even nice to read. when i re-read it, i just see lines lines and lines of crap. ok. stop. rewind. i hate this. so much to do but so little time. i use to be so good at time management. now im just all screwed. this is serious. on top of that, im always out of money these days cause i spend it on necessary things like petrol. if i would just stay in campus and not go back and forth i would save at least 30% of my petrol expanses a month. but noooo...nina likes to be the wonder women for other people but never ever put herself first. WHY? cause u can call me dum dum. yes indeed. meet Miss Dum Dum.
i am forever complaining but im not doing anything bout it. and here my friends especially the closest to me have to hear my whines and swearing. or sometimes i just have this play technique of my own playing in my head. im acting like a kid again. i can't disclose myself openly to the public cause i think people will hate me. so i retreat into my comfort zone and talk to myself inside my head. now i make myself sound crazy. maybe i should see a shrink. cause even when i dont do anything wrong, ill cry and think i did. pressure is getting into me. i can seem happy, but im not. i can seem sad and glum but im just the total opposite. how to know my absolute truth? negative. even i dont know myself.
i should stop before my brain cracks into pieces. i need a break. maybe go for a holiday by the beach alone in the bahamas. i dont need anyone. im a fake. i need to stop talking. i feel sorry for myself.
xoxo
Friday, January 11, 2008
World Drums Festival
2 weeks before the World Drums Festival, i met my biological dad for the first time after 5 longs years. it wasnt as awkward as i imagine it would be. just a few emotional turmoil. my brother admitted the day after the meet that he actually felt like crying when he saw my dad. not that my dad looks sickly or anything, just that its been sooo sooo long. and it stirred some emotions in him. for my brother to admit that its a huge thing. he never was the type who would let out. moments after, i cried. just by knowing how deep the feeling my brother is going through. *as usual* but thats that....
so for the pre-new year celebration i was with my sister and dad for the World Drums Festival (29th December 2007). it was fantastic. 8countries participated including our very own Malaysian drummers. and the beautiful part was, the collaboration is so nice and we have our very own STOMP group. they are the environmentalist of Malaysia. and they are incredibly good. and did i mention bout their conductor? wow wee. he is hot. ok stop. i cannot exaggerate as it will stir another turmoil. tee hee. the overall performances was great. cant wait for them to come again next year! all of them indeed. kudos to the organizers and performers and also who ever that made it happen.
last but not least, new year was great until the very last moment, the festival was tip top, and most important i spent quality time with papa. it made my 2007 complete. *grin*
Happy New Year 2008 and Salam Maal Hijrah.
:)
so for the pre-new year celebration i was with my sister and dad for the World Drums Festival (29th December 2007). it was fantastic. 8countries participated including our very own Malaysian drummers. and the beautiful part was, the collaboration is so nice and we have our very own STOMP group. they are the environmentalist of Malaysia. and they are incredibly good. and did i mention bout their conductor? wow wee. he is hot. ok stop. i cannot exaggerate as it will stir another turmoil. tee hee. the overall performances was great. cant wait for them to come again next year! all of them indeed. kudos to the organizers and performers and also who ever that made it happen.
last but not least, new year was great until the very last moment, the festival was tip top, and most important i spent quality time with papa. it made my 2007 complete. *grin*
Happy New Year 2008 and Salam Maal Hijrah.
:)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)