momentum

24 January 2008

Yesterday – miserable, depressing

Like so many others, I have a life. Life I can be proud of. A general birth of happiness, joy and laughters has always been within me but somehow days are gloomy now. Maybe its stress related to school workload, maybe its family, or maybe its friends. I’m not sure. But I know its not you. You’ve been the punching bag, without you this won’t emerge positively. Thank you. Have anyone ever felt that the world just exploded or have fallen unto your head? How does that feel? Technically speaking I don’t know, but I can imagine it to be so dreadfully painful. I’m coming to a similar phase where I can’t think straight. I can’t function well. My brain has just failed on me. It’s still running profusely but in a hijacked environment. I’m tired of things spinning and failing me. It’s frustrating. If until here, you’re tired of reading this, u may leave. Don’t waste ur time reading. I won’t take it to heart plus I don’t need anyone judging me. Cause this is what I feel. Being the simple old nina. So, when one day someone feels what I feel now, then come to me and talk because I would love to know how u deal with it.

Loving is hard. Has always been especially if it leaves u weak, vulnerable and unable to act correctly. And you know u want to do something about it but you just can’t. I don’t know how to define this. Is the people around you cruel or are you? Is it too much to ask for a little attention or affection when u need it? or is that not a rightful thing to expect? Selfish much? Oh my, I can’t differentiate the right from wrong anymore. Joe told me I’m a spoil brat. Maybe I am but despite that I know ill do anything in my power to make everyone around me happy. And it’s a tiring job. I’m not asking to be praised like an angel for what I’m born naturally of. But appreciation once in awhile makes it all good. For as long as I live, I have known that people will not come to me without purpose especially from those whom I love deeply. Why do people come to me anyways? Am I like that old rug on the floor that when u need to wipe your feet dry or clean, only then you come to me for cleaning help? I don’t want to be that person anymore. It’s sad. Why can’t people like to be around me just because I’m a great person to be with? Sometimes I think it’s because I’m an easy person to step on, or taken for a ride for. In simple English, taken for granted of. Now I know how my mom feels. Frustration is the root of all depression. It’s evil. And I’m learning and taking baby steps to not fall for it anymore. Why should I if no one elses care?

Days are faster now you know. The more ure towards your end, the faster it gets. And im feeling it now. Your time, my time may end any second. Not now but maybe a second later. Maybe mine would be when I sleep? I dunno. I am not saying im ready for it but I pray my death won’t be as painful as this. I hope no one else have to feel this. It’s equivalent to someone stabbing a knife in your heart and just leaves it there. I wonder who will be at my funeral. “Syaza said she is afraid no one will come to her wedding, don’t worry darling, I’ll definitely come. Cause it means the whole world to me to see you happy and well lit on your glorious day.” Im not thinking about marriage though, but if one day I die, I do not want to die in regret that I’ve not done what I’ve always wanted to do. Ill make sure my death wish list is accomplished. And if ure not true in being my friend, I don’t want you around when I’m on my death bed. Because I want to leave the world with people who honestly want to be there to bid me my final goodbye. Make sure no one cries ok? I can see you… :)

Good night now. xoxo